Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Feeling Guilty With My Alcohol Addiction

I had a sense of real guilt all the years of drinking.  I did not show it outside, but deep within I knew I was doing wrong, not only to myself but to my whole family.  This past through my mind only when I was sober.  Once the drinking started the quilt feeling left me and I did not care anymore.

My wife, and all of my family keep saying to slow it up, but I didn't  listen nor did I even care.  I thought to myself  I am not doing anything wrong and I am not hurting anyone, so why slow up and even more quit all together.  I saw that when I was sober everyone was around and people would talk to me more so when I drank. I was surely in denial but didn't want to admit I was wrong. I figured what's the problem, everyone drinks so why attack me for drinking?  Well, after many years of drinking and the older I got it started to make sense to me. Everyone was on me for drinking because the cared about me and loved me, and wanted a good life for me.

I was always told by my wife and family, why is it that your job for 8 hours a day gets to see you sober and enjoy your humor , but I, we get to see you buzzed and miserable at night after the drinking starts.  I said  to myself  what in the world are they talking about, I'm the same person in the morning as I am in the evening, so I thought. I was in denial so bad, that I thought everything was just great in my life.  I was told on many occasions  that my own children did not want to be around me when I drank.  I never knew that, I just thought they were going out with friends, but the real truth was they were out with friends but to get away from me.  Over the years of being told these things I finally realized this is a real mess I'm in here, that my family has to hide from me when I drank. So Sad!

I had a real alcohol addiction but could not see it, when it was right in front of my eyes. I was the type of person that could not just have one drink, I had to drink till it was gone.  All said in the nut shell is that I felt guilty with my alcohol addition inside but just didn't want to do anything about it.  In October 2009, I was confronted by my wife with a basic and so familiar statement. I new it was coming sooner or later, and it was, Give it up or I will have to do what I have to do, and she meant it this time for sure. I said to myself woo, this is for real this time and I'd better get my stuff together real quick.

On the following day, I announced that I was going cold turkey and get our lives back the way it should be.
I was so happy that day, when I said, this will be the end of the battle with my demons within, and felt great inside by doing it. Sometimes it takes someone to put you up against the wall with a decision that you have to make, and that decision could make or break everything in your life and your future.  I made the right one and very happy and proud of it.  I said to myself that night, is it really worth my wife, family, friends and my life for the almighty drink?

It has been now,almost 3 months sober and loving every minute of it. I am so happy that my wife called me on this and really not only saved our marriage but she saved my life.  I was on the path of self destruction and never saw it. The thing I have learned is that everyone has deep within the will power to conquer and achieve anything in life if you just put your mind to it. Some, it may be harder than others but it can be done. I am so happy that all the side effects like the dt's never happened to me. God was by my side on that one and gave me the strength and will power to get through this. I can now focus with a clear mind of what our future is  going to be and achieve my goals that I put on the back burner because of my alcohol addiction.